I Am Losing It

Normally I’m pretty good at losing things.

I lose my keys at least once a day. I lose files on my laptop. I lose handouts for my classes. I often wonder if I’m losing my mind.

But there’s one thing that I actually want to lose and can’t.

Me.

In fact, if you knew me well, you’d know that I’ve been trying to lose myself for a long, long time.

It’s not that I haven’t tried.

I can tell you all about the things in myself that I’d like to get rid of. Maybe you can relate.

Maybe you’d also like to lose a self that is a little too different, too fat, too white, too awkward, too stiff, too eccentric, too quiet, too isolated, too easily overwhelmed, etc. etc.

But it turns out that rejecting yourself is not the same as losing yourself.

And I know I am supposed to lose myself.

I was raised with the example of Gordon B. Hinckley, a man I consider a prophet, and his life is summed up by this simple sentence:

“Forget yourself and go to work.”

I’ve also found evidence of the idea of losing myself in scripture.

Christ said: “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” (Matthew 10:39)

But I can’t seem to do it.

I can’t seem to forget my self.

And I’ve always had a hard time understanding how losing my life is going to help me find it.

I suppose I’ve been terrified that if I did lose my self/ my life that I wouldn’t get it back. That I would go from having a flawed self/life to having nothing at all.

So I’ve worked for a long time to find a self/life worth losing.

And I’ve mostly relied on outside sources –grades, acceptance from friends, awards, authority figures, etc.—to let me know if I was good enough yet.

I’ve done well: good grades, awards, scholarships, praise, etc., etc.

But I’ve never felt it was enough.

Oddly, even right after winning an award, I’ve often felt more disconnected and alone than ever.

And lately I’ve begun to have a new worry: I’m running out of time.

My body is getting older and less attractive.

My ability to get attention or praise from others is only going to decrease.

What do I do?

To be honest, I’m still figuring it out, but here’s what I know so far:

1. I am not as happy as I want to be.

2. I need to figure out how to lose my self to find happiness.

And here’s the one I’m still working on:

3. Doing it.

The good news is, I know my options:

1. Be self-ish. 

2. Be self-less.

What do I mean by this?

1. Be self-ish.

For a long time I honestly didn’t think I could be selfish because I wasn’t rich or cool enough. Selfish people are stuck-up snobs, not miserable self-doubters, right? But I’ve learned that anyone can be selfish.

 It doesn’t matter what you think about yourself, all that matters is that you consistently think more about your self than anything else. Your self becomes your life. Your self becomes your god.

At first being selfish seems to be simply a matter of survival. We have to take care of ourselves.
But sometimes I think I confuse the part of me that really needs to survive (my body and soul) with the part of me that is just an image of those things. And how many people actually destroy their bodies and souls just to build an image?

[Insert picture of favorite/least favorite child celebrity here.]

How much time and energy do I spend on Facebook and even face-to-face social gatherings trying to project an image of a worthy self?

Is my profile really who I really am?

Or is my self something else?

Oddly enough, I had to go to a celebrity for the answer.

A while ago, Thandie Newton, a beautiful and successful actress, gave a lovely TED Talk about embracing others and embracing herself. For Newton, the journey to losing her self began when she realized that she was most happy when she was least aware of her self.
It turns out that being less aware of your self means you can be more aware of everything else.

Which brings me to option #2: Be self-less.

Sounds easy, right? But it’s not. One of my other favorite speakers is Brene Brown. (If you’re not familiar with her excellent TED talks see: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability and http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame)

Like me (and many others), Brene Brown was spending a lot of time looking for ways to protect and project her self, but instead she found that the people who were happiest and most connected to others were those who “were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.”

Instead of trying to build a self that is “worthy” Brown recommends that we look at ourselves, our children, and everyone else and say:

"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."

Not worthy of love and belonging after we “prove” our worth, but worthy of love and belonging right now.

And this is the secret of selflessness.

Instead of focusing on building a perfect self with no weaknesses, instead of trying to make a life for our selves, the self-less option invites us to open up, reach out, and get to work serving others.

That is what losing our selves means. That is what losing our lives means.

And that is what I think Christ meant when he said that if we lose our lives for him (which is basically another way of saying open up, reach out, and get to work serving others), we will find our lives.

And as we find our lives, I also think we find we can love whatever self we have to live with.

So here’s where I’m at as of now:

I admit that I’m not who I want be yet.
I admit that I'm still afraid of losing my self.

But I’m going to try harder to stop hiding my self.

I’m going to allow her to do what she can do and learn from what she can’t.

I will lose her, but it won’t kill me.

I’ll keep living, and one day, I hope to welcome my self back with open arms.

Until then I’ll just love her wherever she is.