Search This Blog

Friday, August 12, 2016

Understanding Islam: One Mormon Woman's Experience


A few days ago I spoke on the phone with one of my favorite people: my 99-year-old grandma. Throughout my whole life she’s taught me things, mostly through stories about her life and the lives of her parents and grandparents. The stories of her grandfather and great-grandfather are important to my message today because their lives have unique parallels to my experience with understanding Islam.

First, I’ll share the story of my grandmother’s paternal grandfather: Edmund Richardson. Early in the spring of 1853, Edmund and his family joined a small group of immigrants heading to Oregon. They had just converted from the Baptist church to another Protestant faith, and due to some harsh disapproval from extended family members, they decided it was best to start over somewhere new.  On their way west, Edmund’s family and the rest of the small wagon train received all sorts of advice about their journey, but one thing they heard over and over was to beware of the Mormons, a strange religious group who mistreated women and had violent tendencies. Edmund and the other immigrants planned to avoid Utah completely, but just after the group crossed the Platte River, Edmund’s wagon overturned, nearly drowning his daughter and causing his family to lose most of their provisions. 
 
Soon after, their oxen died, and the leader of the party advised Edmund and his family to try and spend the winter in Utah and then get to Oregon as quickly as possible the next spring. With heavy hearts, Edmund and his family left the wagon train and headed towards the Great Salt Lake. After several days of slow, painful travel, they camped near a spot on the Jordan River that they hoped was far enough from both the Mormons and Indians that they would be safe. They had just finished setting up camp when they were surprised by a small, barefoot boy riding a pony. As he got closer they saw he was carrying a large pail of milk. The boy explained that he and his family were Mormons who farmed nearby. His mother had seen the family’s campfire and thought that they might enjoy some fresh milk. Edmund couldn’t believe it. What he had heard about Mormons wasn’t matching with what he was experiencing, and he wasn’t sure what to think.
            Though they still had some reservations, Edmund and his family were so touched by this Mormon boy’s gesture that they decided to take a risk and accept another family’s invitation to dinner the next night. A few days later Edmund was hired by a local mill owner, and he and his family began meeting Mormon families throughout the community. He was amazed to find that these families were exactly the opposite of what he had heard: they were kind, hardworking, and loving. The following Sunday, Edmund and his family were invited to a church meeting. During the meeting Edmund felt something special; he later said that he heard his first real sermon on the gospel that day. Shortly thereafter, he and his family joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and my family has been LDS ever since.

In many ways, my experience with Muslims is much like my great-great grandfather’s experience with Mormons. I grew up in Denver, Colorado and didn’t know any Muslims, but I had seen things on T.V. and in movies. I remember anxiously watching coverage of the Middle East during Operation Desert Storm and writing letters to soldiers in Iraq. I also remember watching a movie where the villain was a man from Iran who was so abusive that his wife and daughter had to run away from him. And so, as far as I knew, Muslims were scary. Though no one explicitly told me to “beware of Muslims” the message was still clear: Muslims were a strange religious group who mistreated women and had violent tendencies, and I wanted nothing to do with them. I might still have those beliefs today, but like my great-great grandfather Edmund, circumstances led me to an unexpected shift in my perspective. Though my experience wasn’t as dramatic as his, at the time it seemed devastating: when I turned fifteen, my parents divorced and, a result, I had to go to a new high school.

Luckily for me, I met a group of nice kids in an AP History class, including two girls with unusual names: Tehniat and Guncha. Tehniat and her family were from Pakistan, and Guncha and her family were from Turkmenistan. Soon after meeting them, I learned that they were Muslim, and I began to experience the same kind of cognitive dissonance that Edmund had felt when he first met Mormons. Tehniat and Guncha certainly weren’t scary, and when I met their families I saw that they were kind, loving, and hardworking. Their fathers treated their mothers with love and respect, and their families not only prayed and worshipped together, they also had a lot of fun together. Like my great-grandfather I quickly realized that everything I thought I knew was wrong, and the older I got, the more grateful I became for my Muslim friends.

After high school, we all went to different universities, but Guncha and Tehniat continued to influence my life. Due to my experiences with them, I decided to study Arabic, and in 2001, I had the amazing opportunity to study at the University of Damascus for a semester. Once again my day-to-day experience with Muslims only solidified my belief that they were generally good people who were simply doing their best to live good lives. I came home excited to continue my studies, blissfully unaware that the America I knew was about to change forever.

               

As you all know, September 11, 2001 was the date that terrorists from a group called Al Qaeda flew two airplanes into the Twin Towers in New York. As devastating as this day was for me, I was horrified when I found out what it meant for my Muslim friends. Despite the fact that so many of them had lived peacefully in the U.S. for years, they were suddenly treated with suspicion and sometimes even outright hate. To me, Tehniat and Guncha were just American girls, but to others, they were suddenly a threat to American safety.  

As I have thought back to this period of time and all the fear that my friends and I felt, it has reminded me of another important story that my grandmother told me that also includes the date September 11th, only this date was not September 11, 2001, but September 11, 1857. In order to explain this day, I need to give some background on another relative, my great-great-great grandfather John D. Lee.
 
Unlike Edmund Richardson, John D. Lee joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints long before the Mormons went west. He knew the church’s founder, Joseph Smith, and like many other early Mormons, was forced to move several times, experiencing horrible persecution at the hands of mobs in Missouri before moving west with his family to Utah. By 1857 he and his family had finally established themselves in a safe and comfortable home near St. George, where they hoped to live in peace for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, this was not to be.

Due to machinations in American politics and misinformation that continuously spread about Mormons, in 1857 the U.S. government decided it was necessary to send an army to Utah to put down what some called a “Mormon rebellion.” When the LDS people found out, they were (understandably) very upset. Some worried that everything that had happened in Missouri and Illinois was about to happen again. Many decided that they were not going to be forced out of their homes and determined that they would fight instead. Overall, it was a time of incredible tension, and when people heard that Parly P. Pratt, a Mormon missionary, had been murdered in Arkansas, they became even more upset, scared, and angry. As fate would have it, a wagon train from Arkansas happened to be passing through Utah in 1857, and rumors spread that the group included enemies of the church. It was even said that a few members of the wagon train were bragging that they had helped a Missouri mob kill Joseph Smith.

Later, it was discovered that these rumors were false, and that the people on the wagon train were just a group of innocent families trying to reach California, but unfortunately, the fear among some, particularly a group in southern Utah that included John D. Lee, had grown to a fever pitch. Historians have argued over what exactly happened next (the best source I can recommend is listed below), but what we do know for certain is that on September 11, 1857 a group of LDS men massacred 120 innocent men, women and children in an area called Mountain Meadows (Walker, Turley, and Leonard, Massacre at Mountain Meadows). Eventually, John D. Lee was excommunicated from the church for his involvement in this tragic event. He was also put on trial for participation in the massacre and was eventually convicted and executed by a firing squad in 1877.

Now you might wonder why my grandmother told me this story; it seems like the kind of thing most families would want to forget and never, ever speak of again. But I believe my grandmother made sure that I, and all her children and grandchildren, remember this story because it teaches an important lesson about fear. When people become overpowered by fear they can do horrible things. Even otherwise good people can destroy lives, including their own, and cause pain for generations to come.

Today, we, like the Utah Mormons of 1857, live in a time of tension. We hear stories every day of crime, murder, war, famine, and terrorist acts. Some of these happen far away and some happen close to home, and in response, some argue that we have to fight, we have to defend ourselves, we have to do whatever it takes to stay safe. While I am sympathetic to these fears, I worry that like group of Mormon men who ended up attacking the wagon train in 1857, our fears could lead us on a path to destruction; a path that would cost many innocent lives, destroy our own lives, and cause untold pain for generations that follow us.

Fear has become an especially prevalent theme in our most recent election cycle. In December 2015, Donald Trump went so far as to suggest that we should protect ourselves from terrorists by banning all Muslims from coming to the U.S. To me, this is a classic example of allowing fear to overcome reason. Such a policy would go against everything the United States stands for, and though some security measures are necessary, we should never embrace actions that go against our deepest values. If he were alive today, my great-great-great-grandfather could tell you why. And because I know his story so well, I was overjoyed when the LDS Church responded to Trump’s statement with clear condemnation. Part of their statement included these two quotes from Joseph Smith about the importance of preserving freedom for everyone, regardless of their religious beliefs:

“If it has been demonstrated that I have been willing to die for a ‘Mormon,’ I am bold to declare before Heaven that I am just as ready to die in defending the rights of a Presbyterian, a Baptist, or a good man of any denomination; for the same principle which would trample upon the rights of the Latter-day Saints would trample upon the rights of the Roman Catholics, or of any other denomination who may be unpopular and too weak to defend themselves. It is a love of liberty which inspires my soul—civil and religious liberty to the whole of the human race.” —Joseph Smith, 1843

“Be it ordained by the City Council of the City of Nauvoo, that the Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Baptists, Latter-day Saints, Quakers, Episcopals, Universalists, Unitarians, Mohammedans [Muslims], and all other religious sects and denominations whatever, shall have free toleration, and equal privileges in this city.” —Ordinance in Relation to Religious Societies, City of Nauvoo, Illinois, headquarters of the Church, March 1, 1841

I find it incredibly significant that even in 1841, when Muslims made up only a tiny amount of the U.S. population, that Joseph Smith made a point of specifically including them in groups that deserve “free toleration” and “equal privileges” in American cities. And I believe that all of us—Mormons, Muslims, Catholics, Jews, Buddhists, agnostics, and atheists—must unite against those who would try to use fear to cause us to stop extending “free toleration” and “equal privileges” to all people in the U.S.

So how do we do this?

One of the most basic things we can do is to start by understanding each other better. This key strategy is outlined clearly and simply in preface to the book Our Search for Happiness: A Guide to Understanding Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In it, M. Russell Ballard begins with this invitation:


Consider for a moment the word understanding.
It’s a simple word, really—one that most of us use every day. But it means something that is quite remarkable. With understanding we can strengthen relationships, revitalize neighborhoods, unify nations, and even bring peace to a troubled world. Without it chaos, intolerance, hate, and war are often the result.
In other words, misunderstanding.

Based on this beginning, the purpose of M. Russell Ballard’s book is obvious: to build understanding, specifically about Mormons. And understanding is my main purpose as well; I hope to connect what you already know and understand about your LDS faith to Muslims and their faith. I would love to teach you all about all the wonderful things I know about Muslims and Islam, but that would take an entire book. Instead, I’ll share just a few ideas on understanding the words “Muslim” and “Islam.”

As many of you know, misunderstandings about our church are incredibly common. For example, people tend to be confused about LDS beliefs because of the nickname “Mormon.” Many people have no idea what this refers to; it just sounds kind of weird. Some people know it refers to the Book of Mormon, but they have no idea that we also read the Bible and that we believe the same basic things all Christians believe.

However, if you look at the actual name of the church—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—who we are becomes much more obvious. 


1. We are followers of Jesus Christ. (It would be kind of weird for us to name the church after him if we didn’t, right?)

2. We are modern day believers (hence the phrase “latter-day”).

3. We are “saints” just like early followers of Christ during New Testament times (see Romans 16:2; Colossians 1:2). Okay, to be fair, the word “saint” can be a bit confusing. Some people think the word suggests perfection, but Mormons are not perfect, and no one knows that better than we do. The best definition for the Mormon version of “saint” that I know of comes from Nelson Mandela, who once defined saint as “a sinner who keeps on trying.”

So that’s what LDS people are: modern followers of Jesus who are sinners, but just keep on trying. Not scary, not intolerant, not inherently violent, and definitely not okay with mistreating women (or anyone else).

Interestingly, many people in the U.S. misunderstand Muslims for the same reason they misunderstand Mormons: they don’t know what their name actually means. Fortunately, because I studied Arabic, I have a deep appreciation for the words “Muslim” and “Islam.” If you translate Islam directly into English it means “submission” or “surrender,” specifically submission/surrender to God. A Muslim is a person who does this, in other words, a “submitter” or “surrenderer” to God. Basically, just like we use the words “teach” and “teacher” to distinguish between the action of teaching and someone who teaches, Arabic speakers also use similar versions of the word “asallama” (to submit) to distinguish between “Islam” (submission to God) and Muslim (a person who submits to God).

Though this linguistic definition helps, however, I think I really understood what Islam means after one of my Muslim friends asked me, “Diantha, who do you think the greatest Muslim was?”

I immediately answered, “The Prophet Muhammad, right? Who could be a better Muslim than him?”

My friend smiled broadly and said, “Nice try.”

Then he continued, “The Prophet Muhammad—peace be upon him—was truly a great Muslim. But actually, the greatest and best example of Islam is the Prophet Abraham. Abraham was God’s special friend because he was willing to do anything He asked, even sacrifice his own son. What better example of submission is there than that?”

I had to admit that he was right. And I think this experience was so memorable to me because, when I recognized Abraham as the perfect example of Islam (submission), I finally realized that I had actually always understood Islam, I just hadn’t known it. I grew up hearing the story of Abraham, just like I grew up hearing stories from my family history. I had always been taught that I, too, should be willing to follow and accept God’s will, or as the Bible puts it:


“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I also like how the Qu’ran puts it:

"I put my trust in Allah, My Lord and your Lord! There is not a moving creature, but He hath grasp of its fore-lock. Verily, it is my Lord that is on a straight Path” [11:56]

And what I love about Muslims is that, for most of them, the idea of trusting in and submitting to God’s will isn’t just something they do on Fridays when they go to the mosque. It’s not just something they do once a year during Ramadan.

Submission is something they strive for every single day.

The desire to follow God in all aspects of their life makes true Muslims some of the kindest, happiest people you will ever meet. I have seen the effects of this effort firsthand, and I can tell you that it makes the Muslims I know better friends, better students, better employees, better husbands/wives, better fathers/mothers, and better citizens of whatever country they live in.


Are you beginning to understand, now? Can you see that, at the core, Mormons and Muslims are really striving for the same thing—trusting in God and letting our lives be guided by him?

If so, I hope you don’t let that understanding stop here. I hope you will strive to continue to understand Muslims—and all the people around you—because as you do, you will understand your own beliefs better. You will become more able to be true to your deepest values and never let fear or hate overcome the person you truly are.

Understanding truly is the best place to start, but it is only the beginning. It is my hope that all of us will continue the quest to understand better every day. As we do, I know we will create stories that one day our children and grandchildren will retell with pride, grateful for our courage despite the trying times we live in, and determined to follow our examples of learning and love.


DID YOU KNOW?
A List of 5 Cool Things Everyone Should Know About Muslims

1. Most Muslims don’t live in the Middle East. There are about 1.5 billion Muslims in the world today, and you can find them anywhere from Scotland to Australia, from China to South Africa, and of course, even right here in Pocatello, Idaho.

2. Women who wear the hijab (veil) in the U.S. do so by choice, and their clothes and conduct are supposed to help them emulate the example of the purest woman: Mary, the mother of Jesus.

3. The Qu’ran includes the stories of Noah, Moses, Abraham, Joseph of Egypt, and Jesus Christ. All are respected as prophets, and Mohammad is considered the last of the prophets.

4. Muslims have no paid clergy. The local imam is a volunteer (much like a Mormon bishop) and often has a family to take care of and regular job to do on top of his religious duties.

5. The five pillars of Islam (somewhat similar to the 13th articles of faith for Mormons) are:
·      Prayer (5 times every day)
·      Tithing/Donations (to provide for the poor and needy)
·      Fasting (to sanctify the body and increase one’s ability to submit to God)
·      Hajj (a pilgrimage to Mecca, the site where Muslims believe that Abraham almost sacrificed his son)
·      Testimony (to become Muslim, a person simply has to state their testimony of two things: There is no other god but God, and Mohammad is His prophet)

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Why Life Is (and Isn't) Like Labyrinth

I’m moving. All my stuff is moving. Some people and places I love are not moving. That’s hard.  
This isn’t the first time I’ve made a move like this, but this one has made me think. About home. About my choices. And kind of randomly (but maybe not) about the movie Labyrinth.

                                                     
When I was a kid I loved this show. If you haven’t seen it, I’m sorry, but it’s probably too late. This 80’s gem is one of those things that requires a heavy cloud of nostalgia to appreciate. If you’re an adult watching it for the first time you’ll probably be confused at best and more than likely quite disturbed.

The plot is pretty simple: David Bowie plays a goblin king who steals a baby and tries to seduce a 15-year-old named Sarah (Jennifer Connelly). Yes. I know. But through the rose colored glasses of a pre-CGI childhood, it’s a pretty fantastic show.


As a child I think I was drawn to this film mostly because I lived about 90% of my life in my own imagination. And there was the whole goblins plus Cinderella thing…and the giant red gorilla guy who calls the rocks…and the muppet/monster dance numbers…I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I admit that I still let myself get immersed in the escapist side of the movie, but after navigating a few twists and turns of life myself, I can also see how Labyrinth applies to the tangles of reality. In the movie, the girl only fulfills her quest because she learns two important lessons:
1. Being selfish is not cool. Having friends (both real and imaginary) is cool.
2. No one really has power over you. You get to decide what you’ll be.

Totally applicable to life as a thirty-something PhD student, right? Of course none of us learn these life lessons all at once. Each twist and turn is important. We make bad choices and good choices, we learn who to trust and who not to trust, we get lost, we get distracted, but eventually we figure some stuff out.

  
The twists, turns, and dead ends can be frustrating, and some are terrifying, but struggling to find my path has given me a better perspective on what I know and what I don’t.
Recently, Sahar, a friend from Palestine, taught me that part of the getting through this mess is realizing that even though we only see this much of the labyrinth,


                                                           God sees the whole thing.

When we’re lost, we can ask him for directions. Sometimes he’ll send a layout of everything, but more often than not, he just lights the way for a few more steps and sees if we’ll muster enough faith to move forward. When we do, more light comes. My friend has seen this pattern in her life again and again, and I’ve started to notice it in mine, too. Though my journey has been relatively smooth compared to hers, I am grateful we both know how to pray when we’re stuck in a corner.

And in the parts without corners.
And when the whole labyrinth changes completely.

In fact, some labyrinths aren't like the ones in the movies at all. A few years ago, in Chartres, France I discovered one. It was in a garden and, on a whim, I decided to walk through it. I quickly realized that this kind of labyrinth requires a different approach than the typical corn maze.  
Take a look.




Notice that there’s only one connected path in the whole thing. It’s impossible to get lost. If you walk this labyrinth, you aren’t going to get stuck after a wrong turn. But you can't take any shortcuts (unless you cheat, but let's say you don't). And sometimes you might think you are really close to the end only to discover that you still have a long way to go. 
The point of it all is not finding the path, but simply staying on it.


The older I get, the more I’m convinced that some parts of life are a confusing maze full of trial and error (dating?), but others are a test of endurance.
Faith is that kind of labyrinth.
Choosing the Way is a one time deal. Choosing to keep going is an everyday battle.


Sometimes it’s not easy. Sometimes I want to give up.
I don't though. Like 15 year-old Sarah, I know I can’t.
Too much is at stake, in my own future and in the future of others.
So I go on.
Luckily I don’t have to do it alone. I have friends on the path. The path itself is my friend.
Always there. Always leading me on.

I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out, and I certainly don’t condemn anyone who chooses a different path. I think testing different paths is an important part of the journey. I’m still testing the one I’m on, and I know that despite the simplicity of the path, I’ll still have days where I need to go just a few steps at a time. I know I’ll even question and doubt the path, but I won't abandon it.

Every now and then I get glimpses of home. And that is enough for now.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Why Points Aren't the Point: A Rant About My Writing Class

Recently, before starting an in-class writing assignment, a student asked: “Is this worth any points on our grade?
 
I knew what the student was really asking was:
 “How much effort do I need to make?”
And also, “Why should I do this?”

I wanted to answer, “Does it matter?”
And to be honest, I’ve been musing about the answer to that question ever since.

Knowing if something matters is important, and the following questions might help any student (or teacher) put assignments into perspective:
“What are you here for?” (Not just “here” at college, but “here” in the world. What are your goals?)
“Do you intend to be successful?”
“What does 'success' mean for you?”
  • “Is it getting a job that makes you lots of money?”
  • “Is it having close, meaningful relationships with other human beings?”
  • “Is it becoming the best version of your self?”
“Do writing assignments connect to these goals?”

Honestly, many of my students don’t see a connection between everyday writing assignments and their success in life. And even if they do see a connection between writing and their future, it’s hard for them to see the point of writing something right now.
Part of this is my fault. For a long time I have relied heavily on grades/points as a temporary way to get students to take assignments seriously enough to put some effort into them.
But I’ve also found that grading can skew students’ view of what is valuable and what is not.

The fact is, if students are only working for a grade, they may be getting points, but they’re missing the point.

In some ways, a student who constantly asks “Do I get points for this?” is like a basketball player who questions the purpose of dribbling, running, defending, passing, or rebounding. It’s true that in basketball the only thing you actually get points for is making baskets. But anyone who knows anything about the game knows that if you don’t dribble, run, defend, pass, or rebound, you aren’t playing basketball. It’s not just about baskets, and it’s not just about individual performance.

And neither is getting an education.

So, instead of answering “Am I getting points for this?”, I’d like to put down in writing the answer to “Why should I do this?” for every future writing student I’ll ever have.

Why write?
Writing is an amazing technology.
Humans have used writing for so long that we often forget just how incredible it is.
We forget that the main reason why we’ve evolved so rapidly and dominated every other species on the planet is largely because we could pass on not only our genes, but also our understanding of the world to future generations. We do this through words. Through writing, the ancient Greeks, Chinese, Arabs, and other civilizations passed down a wealth of powerful information on mathematics, health, politics, religion, and every other aspect of life. Without the written word the arts, sciences, and other fields of knowledge would all be much smaller, and humans in general would be far more isolated and ignorant.

And writing isn’t just valuable for societies and cultures; it is significant to individuals, and will be a major factor in anyone’s success.
Want proof?
Try to find a job description for employment that pays over $40,000 a year that does not require “excellent written and verbal communication skills.” Not just passable skills mind you, excellent skills. 
Ask successful people about their jobs.
What do top engineers spend most of their time doing? Math? No. Writing.
What do lawyers do? What do teachers do? What do the richest business executives do? A lot of things, but they’ll all tell you that they couldn’t function without one specific tool: writing.
Still skeptical?
Try to go through your day without using e-mail, or reading/writing any other written communication.
And let’s not forget about writing’s growing influence on personal relationships.
One in four couples meet online. That number will likely increase over time. What does that mean? It means that not only your future job, but also your ability to attract a future mate can depend on how clearly you can construct a sentence.
Wanna get a hot date? Better learn to punctuate.


Also…did you ever notice that when you’re doing all the little writing prompts I assign in class that I do them too? Did it ever occur to you that I want and need to get better at writing? Would I expect to get better at writing just by watching someone else do it or reading about how to do it? Obviously not. If I want to get better at writing I need to do it myself, and I need to do it a lot.
And if I want you to get better at writing, the best way I’ve found to do it is to make you write. A lot. Every chance I get, in fact.

So, let’s go back to the original question:
Are you getting graded on every thing I tell you to write? No.
Are you turning it in? No.
Is it worth points? No.
Is it still worth doing?

You tell me.



Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Am Losing It

Normally I’m pretty good at losing things.
I lose my keys at least once a day. I lose files on my laptop. I lose handouts for my classes. I often wonder if I’m losing my mind.
But there’s one thing that I actually want to lose and can’t.
Me.
In fact, if you knew me well, you’d know that I’ve been trying to lose myself for a long, long time.
It’s not that I haven’t tried.
I can tell you all about the things in myself that I’d like to get rid of. Maybe you can relate.
Maybe you’d also like to lose a self that is a little too different, too fat, too white, too awkward, too stiff, too eccentric, too quiet, too isolated, too easily overwhelmed, etc. etc.
But it turns out that rejecting yourself is not the same as losing yourself.

And I know I am supposed to lose myself.
I was raised with the example of Gordon B. Hinckley, a man I consider a prophet, and his life is summed up by this simple sentence:
“Forget yourself and go to work.”

I’ve also found evidence of the idea of losing myself in scripture.
Christ said: “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” (Matthew 10:39)

But I can’t seem to do it.
I can’t seem to forget my self.
And I’ve always had a hard time understanding how losing my life is going to help me find it.
I suppose I’ve been terrified that if I did lose my self/ my life that I wouldn’t get it back. That I would go from having a flawed self/life to having nothing at all.
So I’ve worked for a long time to find a self/life worth losing.
And I’ve mostly relied on outside sources –grades, acceptance from friends, awards, authority figures, etc.—to let me know if I was good enough yet.
I’ve done well: good grades, awards, scholarships, praise, etc., etc.
But I’ve never felt it was enough.
Oddly, even right after winning an award, I’ve often felt more disconnected and alone than ever.
And lately I’ve begun to have a new worry: I’m running out of time.
My body is getting older and less attractive.
My ability to get attention or praise from others is only going to decrease.
What do I do?
To be honest, I’m still figuring it out, but here’s what I know so far:

1. I am not as happy as I want to be.

2. I need to figure out how to lose my self to find happiness.

And here’s the one I’m still working on:

3. Doing it.

The good news is, I know my options:
1. Be self-ish. 
2. Be self-less.

What do I mean by this?
1. Be self-ish.
For a long time I honestly didn’t think I could be selfish because I wasn’t rich or cool enough. Selfish people are stuck-up snobs, not miserable self-doubters, right? But I’ve learned that anyone can be selfish.
 It doesn’t matter what you think about yourself, all that matters is that you consistently think more about your self than anything else. Your self becomes your life. Your self becomes your god.
At first being selfish seems to be simply a matter of survival. We have to take care of ourselves.
But sometimes I think I confuse the part of me that really needs to survive (my body and soul) with the part of me that is just an image of those things. And how many people actually destroy their bodies and souls just to build an image?
[Insert picture of favorite/least favorite child celebrity here.]
How much time and energy do I spend on Facebook and even face-to-face social gatherings trying to project an image of a worthy self?
Is my profile really who I really am?
Or is my self something else?
Oddly enough, I had to go to a celebrity for the answer.
A while ago, Thandie Newton, a beautiful and successful actress, gave a lovely TED Talk about embracing others and embracing herself. For Newton, the journey to losing her self began when she realized that she was most happy when she was least aware of her self.
It turns out that being less aware of your self means you can be more aware of everything else.

Which brings me to option #2: Be self-less.
Sounds easy, right? But it’s not. One of my other favorite speakers is Brene Brown. (If you’re not familiar with her excellent TED talks see: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability and http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame)
Like me (and many others), Brene Brown was spending a lot of time looking for ways to protect and project her self, but instead she found that the people who were happiest and most connected to others were those who “were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.”
Instead of trying to build a self that is “worthy” Brown recommends that we look at ourselves, our children, and everyone else and say:
"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."
Not worthy of love and belonging after we “prove” our worth, but worthy of love and belonging right now.
And this is the secret of selflessness.
Instead of focusing on building a perfect self with no weaknesses, instead of trying to make a life for our selves, the self-less option invites us to open up, reach out, and get to work serving others.
That is what losing our selves means. That is what losing our lives means.
And that is what I think Christ meant when he said that if we lose our lives for him (which is basically another way of saying open up, reach out, and get to work serving others), we will find our lives.
And as we find our lives, I also think we find we can love whatever self we have to live with.

So here’s where I’m at as of now:

I admit that I’m not who I want be yet.
I admit that I'm still afraid of losing my self.
But I’m going to try harder to stop hiding my self.
I’m going to allow her to do what she can do and learn from what she can’t.
I will lose her, but it won’t kill me.
I’ll keep living, and one day, I hope to welcome my self back with open arms.

Until then I’ll just love her wherever she is.